So I'm changing my layout because it's nearly Christmas season. I've been scouting around for a snowflake-related layout but I'm officially too tired to keep looking and I've always loved this layout anyway. The new lay-out is by paintedlayouts . The mood theme is by emesque.

Nothing new to report here except that we have DSL so I expect to be online a little more often.
I am also planning to join lumos_sorting as soon as they finish OWLS season. Yes, it's a little dorky but I seriously need a new hobby to get my mind of school-related stress.

I am currently a writer for Tug-Ani, our school paper and then Vice-Chair of the Organizing committee of the College Editors Guild of the Philippines (CEGP). All of this has left me with very little time to do any sort of artwork or photography. Plus I'm beginning to feel the burn from second semester load.

My new subjects are as follows:
~ Social Science 2 - Political, Social and Economic Thought - more or less a study of democracy and its development; we will also be discussing the different political thinkers throughout History such as the Greek Trio (Socrates, Plato and Aristotle), Marx, Machiavelli, Weber, etc.
~ Social Science 5 - Gender Issues in Philippine Society - pretty self-explanatory. We have yet to receive a syllabus.
~ Political Science 14 - Philippine Government and Politics - we'll be studying the evolution of the Philippines government system from pre-colonial times through the three colonizations and finally the contemporary Philippine government.
~ Math 14 - Plane Trigonometry - gah, trigo again.XD
~ Communications 2 - Communication Skills - more focused on having a research paper as a final output. Meh. The last time I had to make a research paper, I had no sleep for 50 hours.
~ Natural Science 1 - Foundations of Natural Science 1 - it's more focused on Chemistry. I loved Chemistry but I wouldn't have fared so well if we hadn't been allowed to use a copy of the Periodic Table of Elements during some tests and activities.

Then I have NSTP...and PE 2 (I chose Arnis). Plus my student org (Tug-Ani) and CEGP duties. I was planning to join UPSTAGE but it looks like I don't have the time. Oh well.


Flash News: I'm having a problem with a jealous boyfriend. Let's call him...what shall we call him? Let's use his old name (that Dylan made up) Le Puppy. Anyway...two problems: (1) Rae, the other guy, is JUST A FRIEND. And seriously. Not "just-a-friend" in the manner that we mutually like each other but aren't official but JUST FRIENDS lang talaga. He likes someone else, I like someone else. That sort of thing. (2) Le Puppy isn't even MY boyfriend.

It's a little funny really. Le Puppy sent me a message earlier today and I replied. I asked him what he was doing today, he said he'd be going to his school then to Ayala. I told him that I had a meeting in my school then I would most likely go to Ayala afterwards. He asked me who with. I told him with Rae (see number 1) and asked him if he was going with his GIRLFRIEND. Then he started turning on me and asked me what "laag" meant. To all Cebuanos, I'm sure you know. To non-Cebuanos, it means "outing" and DOES NOT MEAN DATE unless previously agreed upon by the participants. Anyway, I told him that he should know the meaning of laag since he's been living in Cebu longer than I have (and I've been here all my life - he's older kasi). Then he asked me for the "true definition". Which is really pathetic. I mean COME ON, LOSER. Then afterwards he's making pa-selosselos by telling me he had a great day coz he spent the entire day with his girlfriend. And it's really funny and pitiful at the same time. And I know he's trying to hurt me coz he was nice and sweet when I told him Rae and I cancelled plans. Then when I told him Rae and I were going to watch a play together next week anyway, he turned all braggy mode on me. It's sad.XD

Anyway...I guess I'm back for now since I seem to have written a long journal which in my book is a commitment to keep going. Haha. I LOVE MY NEW MOOD THEME. I'm ecstatic. It took me such a LOOOOONG time to finish.:)

We've all read about Tara's Couplehood and (very short-lived) Singledom, now let's read about Jackie's Neitherness.

Ever had that heady feeling...the intense rush, the undeniable flutter everytime you see them? When you just lose your breath and you feel a little faint? A small touch of their hand and you're on Cloud 9. A smile and you're a goner...they talk to you and your brain turns into mush, even if it is just to borrow a purple pen (eh, Jeahanee?)...ah, could it be any other thing?


LOVE


Well, it could also be delusion.
I'm sure you all have been in love at one point or the other in your life...or at least thought you were...come on, admit it. Was it Ash who sat behind you in Math class? Was it Luigi, whose parents owned the Italian cafe down the street? Was it Sebastian, the neighborhood seducer? Or was it Kevin, the down-to-earth barista at Starbucks(TM) who also doubled as a McDo(TM) order taker? Well, whoever it was, I'm sure you've all been there (or thought you've been there).

Well, there's in love...and there's out of love.

I'm...neither.

I'm not out of love. In fact, there's WAY too much "love" coming my way. *ahem*

I'm not IN love...Once again, we go and use the cliched phrase: "there's a difference between "love" and "IN love". So...with that in mind, let's just say. I love. I'm not IN LOVE. As far as the term goes. In fact, I am about as far away from being IN love goes.

My mother says it's "The Mermaid Syndrome". I call it "Guy Instinct". I know this is stereotypical and unfair, but this will be the only term that I feel will be able to get my idea across. Here's a short description of the two, shall we say, conditions:

THE MERMAID SYNDROME
Let me begin by saying that the traditional mermaid story is nowhere as fairytale-ish as Disney's The Little Mermaid is. Mermaids in more ancient folklore also go by a name that is more associated with the havoc they cause: SIREN. In Greek mythology, sirens (or mermaids or naiads) were creatures from the sea that had the upper bodies of beautiful (and well-endowed, I might add) women but the tails of fish (in some versions, they were sea nymphs that were made of water...but the basic appearance is that of half woman-half fish). And no, back then, there were no mention of "mermen".
Anyhow, mermaids (or sirens) were known to use their wiles and charms (their captivating voices) to lure men into their doom. In the early days, mermaids were supposedly the cause of many ships that crashed against rocks or into an island or disappeared (sure, blame the women, it COULDN'T POSSIBLY be that the captain was drunk or blind or just stupid, NO...it's woman's fault...ahem, anyway...).
Basically, my mother's point was that I was the type of girl who just liked playing with guys' emotions...trying to win them over, and when I did, destroy them.
I just love my mother's image of me, don't you?

GUY INSTINCT
"Guy Instinct", as many heart-broken females out there would say, is also known as "Thrill of the Chase". Usually, men are accused of just enjoying the wooing process but never wanting to get too emotionally invested with their partners.
First of all, I would like to defend men everywhere by saying that most of the men I know (save maybe for Kevin who is a blockhead:) I love you, Kevs, haha..) are the die-hard types and, in fact, are probably more susceptible to getting into a serious relationship than I am. And let me just say it now for the record: I am NOT queer. Though I have absolutely nothing against the gay populace.
Also, that I know my share of women who are just as fickle. Of course, I do know a certain couple of jerks who do possess "Thrill of the Chase Syndrome".
But basically, I say that I am more guilty of this than the mermaid affliction. It is not in my plan to destroy the person's life. Heck, that's not why God made me. God can do his own destroying if he wants to; what right do I have to destroy a life until I can restore one?
Thinking I am in love...pining, hurting, praying...but then once he bats an eyelash back or even comes close enough for me to start smelling the odorous aftershave (fine, you don't WEAR aftershave...ahem, perfume), it's time to back off, honey. It's not a choice, seriously. As most girls would say, it's a matter of feeling. Girls often say (and guys too but girls are just caught saying it out loud more than men) "I don't know WHY I love him, I just feel it..that I DO". Same with my feelings of disgust towards the, shall we say, "conquest"...it's not a choice, there is no common sense or reason or logic behind it, I just DO.

Anyway...this is getting pretty long and I'm sure you're probably bored by now (if you've even reached this far, I congratulate you. Not many people can survive a true-blue J.Jao rant) so I'm sure you'll be positively disamyed to know that this will go on for some time yet. Oh dear, I can hear the groans of pain.

My mother also said that this will be a problem in the future. She said that if I get bored this easily with a prospective boyfriend, all the more with a husband.

I reminded her that I'm not getting married and that I'm just having kids with a good-looking, intelligent man with no history of mental illness. She gave the GLARE. I shut up.

I suppose, when the right guy comes along, he'll be able to (ahem) tame this rouge heart of mine. Haha. Romance novels at one in the morning, I am a writer. Be proud of me, T. Christian!! Your protogee hasn't lost her touch quite yet, haha.

But seriously...for now, I'm quite young yet...so if I can't visualize myself committed to one guy forever and ever, it's not a big deal. I'll have time to get my act together and settle down. And I will settle down, I swear. I can't disappoint my mother and my uncle (oh shit, he's dead...well, he'll be looking down from heaven) who wanted me to have a dozen kids, haha.

Jackie's promises to herself:
~ I will try my best to get married and to have kids.
~ I will REALLY get a good-paying job wherein I'll be able to support myself in case I don't end up agreeably with said husband.
~ I will try to not have more kids than I can raise properly.
~ I will raise my future children to be better Christians than I am.
~ I will not make fun of my children by telling them that Global Warming is their problem now.
~ I will not wait until 60 to get married. If I don't marry someone named after a Pokemon character, I will be severely disappointed but I will not die because of it.


So...this started out to be a rant of my loss of wanting to be in love (I have said over and over again that I miss the feeling of being in love) but instead turned into this maniacal random outburst. Once again, my train of thought has completely run away from me. Oh well, I'm sorry, my mentor but you know I'm just too lazy to draw up a draft.Anyhow, hope you guys have fun reading this.

Once again, this is Jackie. Not out of love, not IN love. Just...neither.

Today, I found this old notebook I had filled with surveys concocted by my friend, Duchess. And I actually did the survey-ing. I went around and asked people. And of course, I answered the surveys myself. These were from...well, just a year ago. But I can't believe how much my personal opinions have changed.

SURVEY 1:
1. How do you deal with break-ups? Like I deal with everything else: shove it into the back of my head until the pain goes away. take it from the back & examine it. forget about him. learn nothing.
2. How would you want him to win you back? Um..I don't know - sacrifice a cow or something...buy me coffee while we talk about the old days.
3. What are three things important in your ideal guy/girl? (a) complete body parts & senses; (b) stimulating conversationalist; (c) has a mind of his/her own; is not afraid to argue with me to make a point
4. What are three cheesy lines that would never work on you? (a) My name is Tamahome. Is your name by any chance Miaka?; (b) I would jump off a bridge/get run over by a car/throw myself in front of moving Japanese bullet train/die/hurt myself/etc.. for you; (c) Damn, girl, you're an absolute angel. / You're perfect.
5. What are three cheesy lines that WOULD work on you? (a) If I didn't love you so much, I'd break your fingers to stop you from chewing on them.; (b) I love you more than uh...uh...cream cheese. Yeah. I definitely love you more than cream cheese...and bagels!; (c) I'd kill cockroaches for you.
6. What is one thing that would instantly make you fall for him/her? If he speaks to me in a foreign language, I'm a goner.
7. Are you selosa? Do you think it's okay to be selosa? How about possessive? Do you think it's okay to be so? selosa? yes. as long as you have a reason - concrete evidence - but I don't think I'd fall for a guy who's unfaithful - you can tell if people have been unfaithful. possessive? a bit.. there should be a defining line - a clear defining line with the way he/she treats his/her friends and me.
8. What are some of your turn-offs? cannot appreciate the finer things in life, huge gaps in between teeth, does not know how to perform simple household chores, disrespectful to peeps around us, tells me every single skeleton in the closet, ahh!!! it's too long na!!! many, many more!!
9. Some turn-ons? can speak a foreign language, nice teeth, good fashion sense, keeps me in suspense, can sing, is not afraid of insects...
10. How would you want your guy to propose? Starbuck's (hehe...it was such a cool idea!!!) He'll take me out...preferably to the opera or to a ballet or play. We'll be wearing formal outfits & crap. After the show, in the limo, we'll talk about idle stuff, somewhere along the talk he'll aske me if i'm serious about him. I'll say yes then he'll take me to his home (mansion) haha. he'll ask me to take a walk with him across his lawn. his butler will turn the sprinklers on & while I'm screaming profanities at him, he'll scream "For once in your life, shut up and marry me!" To which I'll reply: "You're a total ass, you know that?" And he'll say: "That's why we're meant for each toher." Char! haha.

Okay. So first question. Now, I'd probably try to find my closure as quickly as I can...but, oh who am I kidding? I'll ignore it. And yes, definitely LEARN NOTHING.
Sacrifice a cow, definitely. Haha. Yes, I think this would still apply. But now, I'm a little older..so he doesn't even have to buy me anything. As long as he'll be sincere. Haha. How can you tell?
I definitely would like a guy to have complete body parts and senses. But...he could be lacking...it depends on the situation..But basically, everyone looks for a guy that's 'normal', as far as the term goes. Stimulating conversationalist...definitely. Has a mind of their own, maybe. But...would fight me? I'm too old to fight now. I just want a good steady relationship. Haha.
Letter A & B. Yeah, ew. But letter C...hmm..perfect might work on me. Haha.
Letter A. Maybe it's because one of the guys I used to like tried to run me over with a car (see BADBOYS, watcha gonna do?) but I'm not so comfortable with the threat this guy is posing. Haha. Letter B. This is definitely cheesy. And WHAT? This was fun back then but now, it's shallow. Letter C. Oh yes, YOU ARE SENT FROM HEAVEN!! haha.
Foreign language. Oh, yes. I'm quite a fool for a foreigner.
Yes, I guess I'm selosa. And yes, I guess I'm possessive. But let's be realistic, I CAN'T tell if a guy's been cheating obviously. I've had had first hand experience. No, I wasn't cheated on. But I saw someone who was cheating on someone else and he didn't change in any aspect at all.
Sorry, I'm a bit superficial too. I can't take gaps between teeth. I guess the same turn-off's still stand. And I'll like to add "bad personal hygiene". But the skeletons in the closet thing, I'm more open now. I don't need that mystery as much as I used to.
I'm good with all those...except maybe keeps me in suspense..like I said a while back, it's not SO important as it used to be. And...I'd like to add "intelligent". haha.
Ugh..a bit dramatic, doncha think? Well...I'm superficial. But now, I guess a simple "would you marry me?" would suffice. I don't know. I guess I'm becoming a realist. *ö* No way! Haha. I guess I am. But it does say ideal, so this would be my "ideal".

So earlier today, I watched the commercial for Sexiest (a TV show, for those who don't know). The next episode is dedicated to the 25 Sexiest Bad Boys. Well...during the commercial, one of the girls they were interviewing said something along the lines of "A bad boy appeals to a girl because she thinks she can be the one to reform him." And I went...WHAT? Then I thought back...well, no. Not really.

Let's just say...I've been attracted to several "Bad Boys" in recent times. And well...haha. I had absolutely no intention of reforming them. No. Not at all.

Shall we? Bad Boy 1. A ladies' man. No doubt about it. With his adorable baby face and smooth style, he'd make any girl swoon. Vices? Well, yeah. I mean what Bad Boy doesn't? Haha. ONE was just a crush. Nothing more. I didn't do anything about it. I didn't even TELL anyone about it. I had no intentions. He was attractive and smart but...he didn't have that certain something. We didn't have chemistry, that's what.

Bad Boy 2. ROFL. God. WHAT. WAS. I. THINKING? I know all girls will have that moment in their life when the look back and go "what the HELL was I thinking?" For Shobs, it might be Lemon. For Xina, it might be Bullfrog. For me, it's TWO. WTF and WTH? Come on! I must have been crazy. Besides, he was taken.

Bad Boy 3. Another ladies' man. Girls just couldn't keep their hands off him. And for a while, neither could I. Oh, honey. He wasn't sexier than sexy or hotter than hot. In fact, he was no Brad Pitt. He wasn't even a...Daniel Radcliffe (who rates a 3.6 in my book, DR fans out there, I'm sorry, no offense. I love Dan, he's just not my type). But for some strange reason, I was madly head over heels. Now this one, there was actually something going on. We actually hooked up but not until MUCH later. God. Another one of those "what was I thinking" moments. But..I can't regret it. It was fun while it lasted. haha. And, trust me, I had NO intention of making him a good boy. In fact, I think I was the only girl at that point who wasn't making him stop smoking, drinking or womanizing. Now that I think about it, maybe that's why we ended. He wanted someone who would take better care of him, maybe. Someone who would tell him incessantly about the evils of his addictions. Haha. Well, that girl will never be me. Not with him, not with anyone else. Just not my style. Change for yourself, not for me.

And another thing these 3 boys had in common? They were ALL younger than me. That's right. All three of them. So I told myself. Maybe it's because theyre younger than me. That's it. No more younger men.

Bad Boy 4. Older than me. Yes, finally. But...haha. He's well...well...not exactly a Bad Boy. Besides, he tried to run me over with his car. Crazy ass dick. But I love him. Like a brother. I'm over him now. We're just friends. I just can't continue loving a man who'll try to kill me. Haha. Nah. My so-called feelings for him vanished a long time ago. I think I was just infatuated with the mystery that surrounded him. He was intriguing coz he wouldn't tell. He was secretive. Ooh. Yum. Haha. But those feelings are dead. dead. way dead. It's even kind of disturbing now when I think about it. *shivers*

So...I told myself. Maybe it's not the fact they're younger. Maybe it's coz they're Bad Boys. Maybe I should look for a Good Boy who was older than me. That'd be hard to find, I thought. Well, well, well. Maybe not so hard.

Good Boy 5. Good God. I'm reverting to Bad Boys.

Here's the thing: That's just what was he was. "Good Boy". Like a puppy. In fact, one of my friends does call him my puppy. Which is really mean, I know. And quite unfair on his part, he was just being NICE. But...well...*shudders* He had a girlfriend - who loved him by the way! And here I was, just looking for a pasttime and he was ready to leave HER for me. It was too sad. I couldn't. I do like him. Seriously. He's the good kind of guy. The kind that brings you home, instead of asking you to bring HIM home. The kind that makes sure you get home (or wherever else you're going) safe, instead of leaving you in the middle of a street to catch a cab by yourself because he's found a ride. The kind that puts his arm around you without even you having to ask for it, instead of never letting you borrow a sweater even if you're having a fever and are feeling chilled to the core. The kind that tells you that he doesn't advocate drinking, instead of being the one pouring the shot and shoving it at you.

And seriously, if he'd asked me and there was no other girl, I might be with him right now. But I'm not. Coz there WAS and my damned principles just prevented me from taking advantage of him. Doing the "right" thing sucks. Haha. Don't I know it.

I had promised myself that I'd never take a guy from another girl again. I didn't want to be the cause of another break-up. I don't want to be the "other woman" again. Goodness, no. Not again.

Bad Boys will be there when you want to have fun. Coz that's what they are: FUN. You can jam, shoot the breeze, rock out, MAKE out, dirty dance, end up in the backseat of a car with them. Well, I mean, yeah. Wild nights, crazy rides. That's what they're built for.

But when you're tired of the game and you want someone dependable....when it's late at night and you need a soothing voice. When you want someone to hold your hand when you get your tooth pulled, you gotta call the Good Guy.

Haha. The Good Guy...with a roguish twinkle in his eye. haha.